Power sits within me, and on me.

Power

Power sits within me, and on me. I wear it daily. It makes me feel powerful and isolated all at once.

What [organization’s name] taught me is the ways in which money buys you access to elite spaces, which brings you in proximity to power. And this only grows and compounds. Networks are our most valuable currency. But networks without accountability or relationships breed self-affirming toxicity and corruption.

I believe - I am energized - by visions of liberation. By the imaginations of a world where people have what they need to care for themselves, their families, their communities. Beyond gender lines. Racial lines. Class lines. Where worth isn’t conceived by educational title, or skin color, or geographic positioning. Where it matters what happens to this land I stand on in 100 years, more than anything.

Labour

But at [organization’s name], I also felt bad, fake, like I was contributing to a farce. What were we really doing? What was I a part of? I would look at these other orgs that I completely romanticized and feel like I was looking at the cool kids table... During this time, the word guilt emerged for me a lot. I felt guilty - doing something I knew was against my values, simply because I needed - wanted - the money.  

I was part of this organization that contributed to perpetuating a culture of witness and white supremacy. How my very work tacitly contributed to this culture of whiteness, which I’ve spent a lifetime trying to betray. This really stings (…) Betraying whiteness – like any form of supremacy – requires a constant vigilance about the ways in which it’s manifesting around you and benefiting you, the ways in which you are contributing to its existence, even without your consent.

Language

The giant chasm between the values [organization’s name] said it had and the reality of the internal politics of this organization... How can you even distort language this badly? How are people believing this shit? Funding this shit?